My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
