I'm going to jail i love you
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
