never play flip cup with pint glasses
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
