I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
