I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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