so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
