The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
false alarm, still single
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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