i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
