I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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