If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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