I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
