Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
