the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
