Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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