I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
