he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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