All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
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