dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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