My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
