were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
