if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
