i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
