i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
