Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The uberlube is also flammable
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
