I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
