I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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