u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
