okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I stole a fireplace last night.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
