I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My vagina just recognized that song.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
