hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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