I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
