walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize