you win again, gameday.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
