Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
