Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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