there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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