I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
