Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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