Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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