we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
