Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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