my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
