I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
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