1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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