remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Randomize
