Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
