I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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