laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
