why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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