Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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