got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
