and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
